NEXT

Next: Mr. Porn Geek’s review

I remember a few months ago looking through the Choosing Beggars community over on Reddit (side note: be sure to read my reviews on the best NSFW subreddits when you get a chance!) and seeing some weird church woman who’d always right “NEXT!” after a sentence where she defended herself from wanting something for nothing. I have an ongoing joke with my girlfriend whenever she says dumb stuff as a result of this woman: I’ll just shout “NEXT” and that means I get to move on to talking about something else. Anyway, the reason I mention this is because I had no other preamble for a game that’s called Next. This is a pornographic video game – I’m going to review it too, so continue reading if you’d like to know more.

First thoughts on Next

When you play Next for the first time, you’re not really given an introduction or anything like that: just a big button that says ‘play’ and then a few side links so you can get help and control a few options. From what I can determine, Next was created quite some time ago, although the version I played was HTML5, meaning that it’s able to be played on mobile devices (even though it does appear to be built on Flash technology). You can hit the ‘rules’ button and a popup will appear that basically tells you to just press ‘Next’ whenever it appears. Seems pretty simple, right? Even an idiot would be able to play Next! So long as he has a mouse, that is.

One nice feature of Next – the porn game – is the fact that music is muted by default and you can enable it if you so desire. Since Mr. Porn Geek was listening to his own fly beats (Heavy Rain Lofi Hip Hop) I didn’t listen to this for more than two seconds, as it was loud and sounded rather dumb. Other options before playing Next includes a help link which just brings up the same panel as the rules and a more option if you want to know where the original release came from. That’s about it from the meta point on Next, so how about I load this bad boy up and tell you all about it? After all, that’s the purpose of me writing about pornographic games if I don’t play them.

Playing Next for the first time

I was wrong about the sound – turns out that when you start up Next, it’ll actually just turn on the audio for you. This really sucked, as it scared the absolutely potatoes out of me. Still, the game kicks off with a sexy blonde walking all over the screen and if you want to see her undressed, the game prompts you to just hit next: I don’t know about you, but this seems like a pretty simple game all things considered! When I hit ‘next’, I got yet another noise that congratulated me on hitting level 2. What was initially praise for self-mute has now turned into a major complaint in the audio department: I’ve told you once to stop making noise, so stop fucking doing it! I know this seems like a minor issue, but god damn please just think about your users for one second so they’re not getting lambasted with weird sounds and stuff as they’re jerking off. That’s not cool man, not cool at all! There’s no way to mute the level-up noises anyway, so yeah, sucks.

The stripping on Next

Basically, Next will just gradually go through and get you to click more and more ‘next’ buttons that appear on the screen. Starting from stage 4, you have to make slightly more of an effort, as the button will move around the screen like one of those DVD logos on a TV screen that hasn’t got a disk inserted. It tries to trick you with different speeds too – annoying as fuck and totally not required. This doesn’t add any level of reasonable difficulty to the title, it’s just a pain in the ass. I think some guys who have disabilities might also struggle to mash the button as it flies around. Seems so strange – is this the only way that can justify calling it a porn game? I sure as shit hope not!

You’ll progress further and get more weird texts popping up that’ll prompt you to hit the button again. For instance, one of the quotes for progression was “If you have seen more undressed girls, and still OK, click.” – I think what this is saying is basically “have you seen girls with less clothes on than this and been okay with it? If so, let’s get her even more naked!”. I can tell you right now that Next has not be produced by someone who speaks English as a native language. That’s not a bad thing, but I just think there’s no need for these weird text prompts when they don’t add anything to the so-called ‘game’.

My final thoughts on porn game Next

This one is actually hard for me to give a conclusion on, since there’s basically no interactive elements here and the whole game feels really slow and needlessly complicated. It’s fine having a porn ‘game’ that doesn’t require any skill or have any plot development: but just allow me to go through the strip shows at my own pace instead of forcing me to click on these weird buttons. I don’t like to complain about many of the games I review, but I think it’s fair to say that Next was one hunk of garbage that I do not recommend. There are far better titles out there and while I’ve still got a link online and available so that you can play it if you so desire, I think you’d be far better off looking at the other adult games I’ve written about. Not completely terrible, but if you want a good rating from Mr. Porn Geek, you’ve got to do better than this.